my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
