I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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