I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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