Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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