It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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