god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
