Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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