Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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