I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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