I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
