Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You ruined the universe
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
