I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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