Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
