I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
