Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
True college students do jello shots in the library
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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