Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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