Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
