I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
