So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
