how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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