i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
