How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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