You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
