There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
