this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
