There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
