the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize
