Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize