The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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