From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
