you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
