I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
