look no pants
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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