my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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