im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
