Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
