why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm having to shit out rocks
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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