im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize