So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
