My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
