so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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