If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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