genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
