Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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