My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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