Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize