Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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