I skipped work to stalk him.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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