Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
