she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
the day after is always just damage control
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize