chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
