so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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