i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
