I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
