Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
