So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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