I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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