Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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