Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize