You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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