I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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