i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
