Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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