Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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