She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
