The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
